I started dating in the late 80’s, which pretty much means I’ve been dating for a quarter of a century. So it’s not surprising then that I’ve experienced everything from the five star date to the inexcusable. Of course, after 25 years you’d also think I would have resigned myself to the occasional sub-standard date. Which I would have, if only they were occasional.
So to make it easy for all you blokes out there, here are ten simple rules for dating above my expectations:
- Arrive on time. If you are picking me up then do so with a knock on my door, not a text from the car or a toot of the horn.
- Arrive clean. Seriously, take a shower, check your beard for passengers and brush your teeth.
- Arrive with money in your pocket. If you invited me, then old fashion manners dictate that you are paying. It doesn’t have to be high-end… I’m just as happy at a burger joint as I am at the ballet.
- Tell me I look beautiful. Yes, it’s that simple.
- Keep the expletives to a minimum. I’ll try my best as well.
- Show an interest in who I am – i.e. ask questions. And then… now, this is key… listen to my answers. Nodding and grunting occasionally are all good starting places. This also means your phone should be on silent and stay in your pocket.
- Drink in moderation. At no point should you have two drinks in your hands – unless one is for me.
- Refrain from discussing your ex. No matter how long ago it was or what a bitch she was, I don’t want to know.
- When you kiss me, try keeping your tongue in your own mouth – I don’t even know your middle name!
- Remember your manners. It’s the little things that count… open doors, pull out my chair, allow the waiter to take my order first. Also be polite to the waiters, say please and thank you, and use your knife and fork properly – you are not conducting an orchestra, you are eating a meal.
In return I’ll promise to:
- Be ready on time.
- Not wear an overpowering perfume or so much make-up you don’t recognise me.
- Thank you for paying. In fact, to remove any awkwardness, just before the end of the evening I am going to excuse myself and go to the bathroom. That’s your cue to get the bill and pay with minimum of fuss, thereby enabling me to blush and say thank you.
- Tell you that you look very handsome.
- Laugh at your jokes. Sincerely.
- Order my own dessert and not steal yours.
- Keep stories about my mum or what I did on the weekend with my girlfriends to a minimum.
- Not ask you to order cocktails with indecent names.
- Not flirt with the waiter. Much.
- Show appreciation for all those small gestures I mentioned above.
See you at 7pm